One of the most infuriating experiences of my life occurred in the summer of 2007. I was meeting up at an outdoor concert with some friends, and one of them had brought a date–a girl who was meeting everyone in the group for the first time. Let’s call her Gina.

Gina and I quickly discovered that we had several mutual friends in common, both of us having lived in the same midwestern city at approximately the same amount of time. It was exciting at first, because in a city of New York’s magnitude, I always enjoy meeting friends of friends–small world!

However, as the conversation went on, I found myself saying less and less–not because I had nothing to say, but because I was actively being talked over. I had never in my life had such a distinct feeling that someone was simply not listening to what I wanted to say. The active exchange had become one-sided. And although my first thought was, “Oh my goodness! Maybe I’ve been talking over her this whole time!”, I saw Gina interacting with others in the same way she had been with me. The girl just didn’t know how to listen.

Looking back at the conversation over the weeks that followed, I realized that listening skills in a conversation partner are like air: you don’t notice them until they’re gone. It was a learning experience for me, because I’ve tried to become a lot more aware of how I interact with others, especially when I’m itching to put in my two pennies’ worth even at the expense of talking over someone.

As an active listener, here are my personal rules for making certain that I’m on my best listening behavior.

  • Eliminate distractions. I have a horrible habit of fidgeting with things all the time. I scribble notes, check the time, read text messages and Twitters, and paw through my bag for lip balm when I have nothing to do. But those habits die hard…meaning that I don’t just do it when I’m alone and bored…I do it when I’m in conversation with other people unless I make a concrete effort to put away all my distractions and just focus. I know a lot of people do this on the phone, too: it seems to them that they can do whatever they want as long as they sound interested and engaged…but the person on the other end of the phone can hear the click of the keyboard, the shuffle of pages, or the flush of the toilet. Make yourself sit still and listen, damn it.
  • Make eye contact. A lot of people are intimidated by unbroken eye contact, but there’s a lot to be said about someone never meeting your eye at all when you’re trying to say something important–it makes them seem like they’re not listening, and therefore don’t care. You can supplement your eye contact with body language to show you’re listening–occasional nodding, for instance, goes a long way.
  • Wait until they’re done. When I described the above situation with Gina, what infuriated me the most was that when she decided she had something to say, it took priority in her mind over anything anyone else was discussing–even if what she wanted to share was only marginally relevant. Oddly, though this flaw annoys me so much in other people, it’s the easiest for me to break myself. After I think someone has said what they want to say, I usually force myself to count to three before I speak, so I can make sure they’re actually done. (Does this sound familiar to anyone?)
  • If you don’t understand what they’re telling you, say so. You can do this tactfully: “What the hell are you talking about?!” sends a very different message than “Do you mean that you want to go on a trip but you don’t really want to see your family?” or the like. It’s better to ask and avoid confusion; if, later in the conversation, the topic comes up again and you don’t know what was actually implied, it’ll seem like you weren’t listening after all.

In general: Respect the other people in the conversation. Forget about yourself for a moment. Don’t assume other people talk solely to get your opinion or advice.

Do you guys have any really infuriating stories about people who just can’t listen? How do you exercise good listening skills?

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